Odds are someone in your home is looking at pornography.
Before you dare think you might be the exception, you may want to hear me out.
More than 70% of men actively seek out porn on a regular basis. Don't you dare think, "well, that is for nonmembers." It isn't. Best estimates are that those statistics are the same within the LDS church. I've heard numbers such as 50% of active Melchizedek Priesthood holders are actively involved in pornography, and 1/3 of High Priests. Just because someone has been or is currently a member of a bishopric, quorum presidency, YM presidency, etc, doesn't mean they aren't involved in pornography. It's kind of scary. You'd be surprised how many wives of men in high profile callings end up discovering their husbands secret other life. That probably scares you. You might even be in denial about it. But it makes sense. Satan is targeting us like never before. The love of men is waxing cold, just as ancient prophets said it would.
Every single one of your kids will be exposed to pornography by the time they reach age 18. In today's world they will not just be exposed, but bombarded by it. Your sweet innocent 6 year old that is just learning how to read? He (or she) may be looking at porn. You may think that age 5 or is too young to talk to your kids about sex and pornography, but Satan doesn't.
But your girls are okay, right? Wrong. Somewhere around 30% of them are actively seeking out porn. Maybe you are too. Books, pinterest, or hardcore porn. There's a wide range. Those girls and women have social expectations of not having problems like that (like women somehow are naturally uninterested in sex FALSE) so their shame can be pretty devastating.
Do you feel like you've been slapped in the face? Those kind of numbers are enough to scare any wife or mother. Some of you are fully aware of the realities of the situation and this will have felt more like a punch in the stomach or a bee sting to the heart. But for those of you blissfully unaware of the big wide world of pornography, this is your slap in the face. Wake up! We need you to get to work. The battle for souls is raging.
These trapped men and women are not lost causes. The fact is, there is a lot of hope. You see, two thousand plus years ago a man by the name of Jesus atoned for the sins of the world. He provided endless hope to all mankind.
I cannot cover all the information you need to wage this battle. But I can give you some places to start. Here are 4 things you can do right now to make a difference.
1. Have an FHE lesson on pornography ASAP!
You have got to start talking about pornography in your home. It needs to be a fairly regular conversation. The Church recently released a series of lessons for use in family home evenings which you can read about and access HERE. Some of the lessons are specifically designed for nursery and primary age children. Be careful of the language you use when you talk about. Pornography addiction feeds off of secrecy and shame. If you use shaming language you will only force people away from you and deeper into pornography.
2. Put Up Some Defensive Barriers
You should have a filter on every internet accessible device in your house including but not limited to computers, phones, and tablets. Parental controls should be enabled on your television, cable, satellite, netflix, hulu, and amazon. Make it a habit to check browser histories, search histories (on internet devices as well as television devices). Cleared browser histories are unacceptable and a huge red flag. It is vitally important that you don't think that just because you have those things set up, you are in the clear. There is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent pornography from entering your home. Accept that fact right here, right now. I didn't say these were preventive barriers. I called them defensive. Filters are only one line of defense. It helps prevent accidental exposure, or clues you in to current behavior. The best filter is an internal one. And that is much harder to install.
3. Open the line of communication
I don't recommend you set out on a witch hunt. Forcing someone into repentance rarely works. What you can do is open the line of communication. Let your husband and your children know that you know how common of a problem it is and that if anyone is involved in it and would like help, you will be there for them. Play it cool. Don't let your anger, jealousy, or pride get in the way. You've got to come from a place of absolute humility. You can't force people to repent. You can only invite. The scriptures constantly describe the Savior as inviting people unto repentance with open arms. Don't stand in the way of that. Facilitate it.
4. Demystify the repentance process
Sinners don't like to face consequences. I'm a sinner and I hate the consequences of my actions. When the sins get serious, so do the consequences. Children and teenagers involved in pornography are often terrified of the consequences. Will their parents still love them? Will they never be able to use a computer again? Will they get grounded until they are 18? Will the bishop yell at them? Take the mystery out of it. (By the way, please don't ground your kids for looking at pornography. That will only deepen their shame and give them even more reason to cover their tracks. Facilitating repentance means getting them the help they need. Talk to them. Figure out what kind of things will really help them stop). Husbands are afraid too. See, Satan builds up all these lies in their head about what will happen if anyone finds out. You can help by talking about the realities. Learn about church discipline. Demystify it. Church discipline is not about punishment. Teach about how bishops help guide people to Christ. When Satan has us in a deep trap, we need help to get out. Teach it. Live it. Testify.
Discovering a spouse or child's involvement in pornography can be devastating, but it is not hopeless. You can be a tremendous force for good in the battle against pornography. It's time to step up and fight.
This is the official LDS Church website dedicated to helping individuals and families utilize the Atonement to overcome the sweeping effects of pornography. Resources for individuals, families, and leaders.
Has a series of videos on how to talk to children and teens about sexuality and human intimacy from LDS therapists who specialize in the area.
Offers resources for loved ones and female addicts. Offers an anonymous support forum for loved ones.
Provides hope, education, and resources related to pornography and sexual addiction recovery.
No filter is 100%. Internet filters can easily be bypassed by anyone, even if they are not tech savvy. Instructions to bypass any level of filtering is easily available online. Even without bypassing the filter, pornography can still come through. Filters are a great first-line defense. Every internet capable device should have filtering. A device-specific filter will provide filtering service regardless of the location or internet connection. A second level filter can be installed to protect all internet capable devices that enter your home (friends and visitors) and can provide a second level of defense.
- Individual Device Filtering = software installed on individual devices that filters all internet connected to that device no matter where they are.
- www.covenanteyes.com and Safe Eyes Mobile App
- DNS Filtering = filters your entire internet connection when installed on your router. Requires each individual device to honor the dns settings. www.opendns.com
- Proxy Server Filtering = all internet in your home is filtered through a proxy server. http://dansguardian.org/
- ISP Level Filtering = internet filtering from your internet service provider. Most ISPs do not provide this service. You have to call your ISP to get this set up. Your ISP is the person you pay your internet bill to.
- He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton
Relying on the latest research on addiction, and merging this knowledge with spiritual aspects of repentance and recovery, the author provides understanding and hope to those who seek healing and restoration of both body and spirit, which are the "soul of man."
This manual contains reliable information about pornography and sexual addiction, including answers to frequently asked questions about what is necessary to support recovery for those addicted- and their afflicted loved ones.
- What Can I do About Me? by Rhyll Croshaw
Written by the spouse of a pornography addict, the book shines light on the darkness of pornography and sexual addiction, the trauma felt by loved ones, and the hope that recovery and peace are possible.
- Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain
An LDS Clinical Psychologist shows couples how to identify and address vulnerabilities in their relationship. This book offers healing advice for spouses, provides help for the struggling partner to avoid relapse and focuses on how to make the marriage relationship stronger than it was before.
http://www.healingthroughchrist.org/ has created a comprehensive 12-step book based on LDS principles for family members affected by a loved one’s addiciton. It is available for free on their website.
- Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at A Battleship by Andrew Pippanne
Written by a pornography addict in complete recovery, this author shares his LDS perspective to help others understand and overcome their own pornography addiction. The book is available for download for free from his website: http://rowboatandmarbles.org/
SUPPORT GROUPS, COUNSELORS AND THERAPISTS, AND TREATMENT PROGRAMS
- LDS PASG Group (addictionrecovery.lds.org)
Offers both in-person and telephone 12 Step Meetings specific to Pornography Addiction for both addicts and loved ones. Local groups are for men only addicts and separate classes for loved ones (women only). Women addicts can access phone meetings
- Local Meetings:
- You can search by zipcode for meetings your area
- Phone Meetings for Women Addicts:
- Thursdays 8:00pm Mountain Time, call 1-855-537-4000 and use access code: 993-936-696
- SA - Sexaholics Anonymous (www.SA.org)
12-Step Group for both men and women who have a sexual addiction. Age 18+ only. Also offers phone groups, conferences, and workshops. Not for loved ones (see S-Anon for loved ones information).
- Search on their website for local meeting information.
- SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous (www.SAA-recovery.org)
12-Step Group for men and women who have a sexual addiction. Not for loved ones.
- Search online for local meeting information.
The S-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of the relatives and friends of sexually addicted people who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. Our program of recovery is adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous and is based on the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. It is free and non-denominational.
- Search online for local meeting information.
- Lifestar (www.lifestarnetwork.com)
Offers an intensive outpatient group therapy using a three phase treatment program for addicts, loved ones, and teens. San Diego office contact information: John J. Boyle (MA, MFT) & Rebecca Jorgensen (PhD) (714) 869-4682
- Addo Recovery (addorecovery.com)
Offers online counseling via video conferencing as well as group 12 step meetings with counselors specialized in pornography addiction and betrayal trauma. Offers a free 6 class program for loved ones of pornography addicts, as well as paid services for individual counseling for both addicts and loved ones, group counseling, and couples counseling.
- Addiction Hope and Recovery (addictionhopeandrecovery.com)
Offers paid online counseling via video conferencing for men, women, and teens from qualified addiction therapists.
- LDS Family Services
Provides short-term counseling. Contact your bishop or local office for more information.
This is a wonderful thing to see. I agree with you that there is not enough discussion about this, even in the Church. Society as a whole seems to think it's harmless and even though we in the Church know it's wrong, I see too many member hoping that if they just ignore the problem, it won't impact them or their families. That would be wonderful if it were true, but sadly it's not.ReplyDelete
I have discovered evidence of my husbands use of pornography off and on since we have had internet in our home (18 years) in a 30 year marriage. It has made a difficult marriage even more difficult. He is in denial of the damage it has done to his spirit, and has often blamed me. I have sought healing for my own hurt and devastation from professional counselors and my bishop, but I don't believe there will ever be any progress unless he faces his addiction and seeks help for himself.ReplyDelete
Our deepest love goes out to you. You are not alone in this battle!Delete
discovered my husband of 7 years watching porn on his phone. He said he was checking ESPN late at night, and I (prompted by the spirit) did a crazy thing and ripped his phone out of his hands to discover, no, it was pornography. It completely blindsided me because we had both talked about porn. He had admitted to being exposed to it early and admitted to watching it in the past, before our marriage. He was telling the truth just enough so that I wouldn't be suspicious. I would check his browsing history sometimes when I heard other people's stories but never discovered anything. Turns out he was using incognito mode on the browser and his smart phone to watch it. Pretty easy to hide. He always served well in his callings but he now admits that doing his duties and callings was part of his addiction, a way to cover for being so imperfect. I feel sorry for him, that he had to feel this weight on him for so long. I have to say, I now look at every man- my father, my brother, everyone I know differently. They are all guilty until proven innocent now. I wish I could shout this from the rooftops, to tell everyone I know beware! But I can't because it would embarrass my husband.ReplyDelete
Some more advice..
-Stop being afraid of looking like a nagging jerk.
-t-mobile and other carriers will let you set parental limits on phones. Do it.
-if your husband is in front of a screen alone for any period of time, don't just ask him what he's watching, make him hand it over.
-delete all browsers except one and disable private viewing on safari and incognito mode on chrome, or any similar mode on other browsers. Browsing history is easily edited or deleted, don't depend on it.
-big red flags for porn that I should have seen; not interested in having sex a lot, when having sex acts grumpy or guilty, sometimes seems frustrated during sex but doesn't explain why or maybe gives excuses, depression, trying to appear perfect at church and being meticulous about following some commandments but seems hollow about it.
www.lifechangingservices.org has many wonderful programs to help young men, young women, missionary age men and women, older married men and women with this problem and the devastating effects that it has on your family. They are a therapy group that specializes in helping break the chains of bondage from pornography and helping spouses heal from trauma caused by an addict. Thank you for posting this! The glad news is now more than ever there are people that are specially trained to help with pornography addiction. Its much easier to stop it before it starts than it is to cure it after they are addicted!ReplyDelete
I look the site it was a very good and very informative in many aspects thanks for share such a nice work. Professional AdviserReplyDelete
Thank you for this valuable and informative post share.I learn many things like Sex Addiction Recovery For Life.There is also Sex addiction treatment in New York which is also informative.ReplyDelete
As far as I know, you cannot put parental controls on Hulu. And on Netflix, if the kids want to click on your profile, they can. No passwords required.ReplyDelete
I don't know about Hulu, but we have a password set on our netflix profiles, and set each profile based on age. I think it may have to be set up while you're logged in on the computer. If I try to watch a show that's above the rating I've chosen, it asks for my password.Delete
This was a wonderful piece. We all need to wake up to the fact that our society is innundated with porn, including our school campuses. When working with youth, they would often bring up that it's almost impossible to get away from it on campus. When I brought it up to other leaders, they denied that it was a problem that needed to be addressed in church. I've had one person say that they felt that parents should teach their children about it (to which I agree,) and that discussing it in church was inappropriate (to which I don't agree.)ReplyDelete
If the parents themselves are unaware of what's out there, or of how much their children are surrounded by it, when will they get around to teaching their children?
This is a very deceptive problem which, if not taught about and brought to the attention of our members could lead to much falling away, sorrow and eternal consequences.
Time to raise the banner of truth and shine the light on this awful plague.
I got involved with pornography as a young man. When I went to confess to my bishop I was disfellowshipped and that was the end of that. My parents weren’t even aware of my struggle. Upon telling him a year later, my dad responded,” It’s you’re problem- you deal with it.” I wish there was more recognition of the trials of life, but also MORE IMPORTANTLY the effects of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal and strengthen.ReplyDelete