5 Things to Stop Doing When Teaching About The Law of Chastity

1. Stop Shaming

The design of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is to invite people to repentance. Shame is already so devastating and prevalent in the world of sexual sin that we don't need to pile anymore on. Shame is a powerful tool used by Satan to keep people from repenting. Lessons on the Law of Chastity should focus on hope and change through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

Examples of shaming include focusing on how bad sexual sin is instead of teaching how to repent from it. Emphasizing the negative impacts of sexual sin creates an environment of shame. Teaching someone why they should do something with threats of consequences isn't a great teaching method. You can certainly mention the negative effects of sin, but the focus should always be on repentance and the Atonement. Hopeful lessons point others to Jesus Christ. Shaming lessons focused on threats and negativity point people the opposite way. 

2. Don't Make Assumptions

Assuming that no one in the room has a problem is a problem in and of itself. Guess what? The Law of Chastity applies to everyone equally to men and women, young and old. Everyone has room for improvement, and a significant majority percentage of church members have active struggle with pornography, masturbation, body shame, sexual temptations, lusting, inappropriate thoughts, adultery, and a whole host of other issues that fall under the category of the Law of Chastity. 

Often people avoid talking about difficult subjects by talking about teaching it to their children rather than talking about how to apply it for themselves. If we are not keeping the Law of Chastity ourselves how can we ever hope to deal with the extremely difficult challenges they face? You have to stop assuming that no one is struggling because statistics, Bishops, and Stake Presidents can all tell you that the problem is at plague-like levels. Repentance is for everyone in the room!

3. Stop Making Lists

I'm making a list right now so I see the irony here.  Making lists of dos and don'ts, blessings and curses is ridiculous. Yes, we need to explain what is appropriate and inappropriate, but if it becomes the focus of the lesson then we have a problem. You can have sex with your one and only and live a chaste and virtuous life and still end up on the "curse" list with an STD due to a struggling spouse. The lists hurt people. They see themselves on the wrong side and are filled with shame. Is that how you want people to feel during your lesson? We have all made mistakes. Bringing it up over and over isn't how God works. Repent and He will remember the sin no more. Lists make us look at ourselves in terms of black and white, good and bad. The Law of Chastity is black and white, yes, but we as human beings are mold-able, changeable, and are working towards bettering ourselves. We have to stop defining ourselves by lists and rather let us define ourselves by who we seek to become. The purpose of the Law of Chastity is to bring us joy. 

4. Stop Avoiding the Word Sex 

It's cute that you know a dozen words to describe sex that you think are more appropriate for church like "intimacy" and "relations." Call it exactly what it is and stop dancing around the issue. It is called sex and it is wonderful and beautiful. Learn the difference between sex and intimacy. It's not the same thing! We need to call things exactly what they are. Sex is sex. I give you permission to use the word masturbation too. If you have to stand in front of the mirror and say the words out loud a hundred times before you teach the lesson, then do it! Sex, masturbation, pornography, penis, vagina, breasts, naked, fallopian tube....okay, so maybe you won't use the last few in a lesson on the Law of Chastity, but let's get real here. Be brave. Use the big girl words. 

5. Stop Using Chastity as a Word for Sex

Sex should not be used synonymously with the word chastity. The Law of Chastity involves a whole lot more than just sex. You can live a chaste life and have sex every day. You can have sex every day and never experience intimacy. You can never have sex with someone in your life and still be breaking the Law of Chastity. If we keep mixing up the word chastity and sex then we are sending a horrible message. You need to keep the Law of Chastity which means don't have sex so then what happens when you do have sex? Guilt? Shame? Ahhhhh! The Law of Chastity is so much more than just not having sex. It is about learning to master the natural urges of our bodies. It is about keeping sacred covenants with another person. It is about the sacredness of the sexual experience. Sex is something that is good, pure, and holy. The Law of Chastity helps us find something special in the sexual experience and empowers us as creators and partners in an eternal journey. The Law of Chastity brings us joy. 


Hopefully at some point lessons on the Law of Chastity will be as open and freely discussed as any other lesson. I'm tired of women skipping church or leaving the room when there is a lesson on chastity because they fear what hurtful things people will say. Women should not feel pain in Relief Society. They should feel relief! We are a sisterhood, and a powerful one at that. We should stand united on the Law of Chastity, helping those that stand in need of help, comforting those that stand in need of comfort, and inviting all to experience the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Just imagine what a powerful force we could be!
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You may also like these articles:

How to Actually Repent: The 12 Steps of Repentance

4 Things You Can Do Right Now to Battle Pornography In Your Home

50 Shades of Shame: LDS Women and Their Pornography

Fifty Shades of Shame: LDS Women and Their Pornography

Sometimes it is a book. Sometimes it is a movie. Sometimes it is just pictures of shirtless guys. Sometimes it is the dark corners of the internet. Wherever we find it, it is the same thing. It is pornography.

While some of our sisters are trapped deeply in the shame, secrecy, and pain that comes from pornography addiction, others flaunt their pornography involvement and have somehow been given the social "okay" to do so. 

Women are sexual beings, just like men. It is a natural, God given desire. But like all things from God, Satan has found a way to perverse that which is good. It is an alluring trap. And he has tricked some of us into thinking that trap around our ankle is a piece of jewelry. 

It is no coincidence that I chose to play on the title of the popular pornographic book, and now movie, for the title of this post. It is frightening to me how many LDS women openly admit to reading the book and loving it. 

I once accidentally checked out 50 Shades of Grey from the library. I often add best sellers to my request list without knowing about the book. Such was the case with 50 Shades. I sat down to read the book one night and didn't even make it past the first page. I flipped to the book description and was mortified. What had I just let into my home? I returned the book to the library first thing in the morning, embarrassed and worried that the librarian would think I read the whole book in one night. I just hoped no one would ever find out so there would never be a misunderstanding. 

And then I heard friends at church talk about how much they loved it.

Wait, what? How could LDS women be reading this book? Let me tell you, it is 100% pornography. 

Romance novels with graphic sexual scenes are big money makers. Lots and lots of women read them. I have heard many women excuse reading these books.

"It's not like I'm masturbating." 

My dear sisters, I say this with absolute love, but let's be clear here: If you are reading or looking at things that makes your vagina feel good, then you are checking out pornography. 

I have had to unfollow Pinterest boards of some of my LDS sisters. They pin shirtless men, sometimes ones that reveal hair that I have no interest in seeing. They call their boards things like "Hot Stuff" and "Me Likey" and "Give Me Some of That."

Let me take a little liberty with the words of Jesus from Matthew 5:28

"Whosoever looketh on a man to lust after him has already committed adultery in her heart."

Maybe we need to read The For Strength of Youth a little more often in Relief Society. You can read the standards for Sexual Purity HERE and Entertainment and Media HERE. 

They don't just say not to look at videos or pictures of naked people having sex. They say not to arouse sexual feelings within yourself outside the bonds of marriage. This does not mean that since you are married you can do what you want. 

These socially acceptably forms of pornography will destroy you in the same ways that an old fashioned porno movie can. 

Let's look at the prophetic consequences of pornography use:

1. Weakens your self-control

2. Destroys your feelings of self-worth

3. Changes the way you see others

4. Lose the guidance of the Spirit

5. Damages your ability to have a normal relationship with others

6. Limits your ability to feel true love

Do you see these consequences in your life? 

Even a sex scene in a chick flick can make you see those consequences are real. It warps your view of sex and love. Let me tell you, my sex life doesn't mirror a romantic comedy and I don't know that many do. 

What is on the screen isn't real. What is in the book isn't real. It isn't what God wants for us. 

Looking at those half naked men on Pinterest? What will that do to your relationship with your husband? What if your husband had a bulletin board in the house full of women in bikinis with a big sign that says "Me Like"? Think your marriage would improve? 

Reading those steamy romance novels? Does it make you feel good about yourself? Does it improve your dating life? Does it teach you what to look for to recognize true love?

Sisters, we can do better. It's not just the young women that need to return to virtue. It's us "old" women too. Clean up your life. De-clutter your book shelf, free up space on your kindle, lose a Pinterest board or two. Your life will only improve. 

Let us stand for truth and righteousness at all times and in all places...

...including Pinterest and the book store. 

Note: Pornography addiction is a real issue that many LDS women face. If you are involved in the cycle of pornography addiction, please know that you are not alone. Read THIS article from the New Era. Read THESE two stories about women's addictions. Check out THIS blog that chronicles a woman's struggle with overcoming pornography addiction. Addiction requires help beyond which a Bishop can provide. See the Bishop. Get involved with a 12 Step group. Seek help from a competent therapist. There is nothing the Atonement of Jesus Christ cannot heal. You deserve to have Him heal you. 

4 Things You Can Do Right Now To Battle Pornography In Your Home

LDS women, I'm about to give you a virtual slap in the face. Just know that it comes from a place of love. You see, there's something we need to talk about. There is something that a lot of you have been absolutely blind to. For some of you, this is really going to hurt. 

Odds are someone in your home is looking at pornography. 

Before you dare think you might be the exception, you may want to hear me out. 

More than 70% of men actively seek out porn on a regular basis. Don't you dare think, "well, that is for nonmembers." It isn't. Best estimates are that those statistics are the same within the LDS church. I've heard numbers such as 50% of active Melchizedek Priesthood holders are actively involved in pornography, and 1/3 of High Priests. Just because someone has been or is currently a member of a bishopric, quorum presidency, YM presidency, etc, doesn't mean they aren't involved in pornography. It's kind of scary. You'd be surprised how many wives of men in high profile callings end up discovering their husbands secret other life. That probably scares you. You might even be in denial about it. But it makes sense. Satan is targeting us like never before. The love of men is waxing cold, just as ancient prophets said it would. 

Every single one of your kids will be exposed to pornography by the time they reach age 18. In today's world they will not just be exposed, but bombarded by it. Your sweet innocent 6 year old that is just learning how to read? He (or she) may be looking at porn. You may think that age 5 or  is too young to talk to your kids about sex and pornography, but Satan doesn't. 

But your girls are okay, right? Wrong. Somewhere around 30% of them are actively seeking out porn. Maybe you are too. Books, pinterest, or hardcore porn. There's a wide range. Those girls and women have social expectations of not having problems like that (like women somehow are naturally uninterested in sex FALSE) so their shame can be pretty devastating. 

Do you feel like you've been slapped in the face? Those kind of numbers are enough to scare any wife or mother. Some of you are fully aware of the realities of the situation and this will have felt more like a punch in the stomach or a bee sting to the heart. But for those of you blissfully unaware of the big wide world of pornography, this is your slap in the face. Wake up! We need you to get to work. The battle for souls is raging. 

These trapped men and women are not lost causes. The fact is, there is a lot of hope. You see, two thousand plus years ago a man by the name of Jesus atoned for the sins of the world. He provided endless hope to all mankind. 

I cannot cover all the information you need to wage this battle. But I can give you some places to start. Here are 4 things you can do right now to make a difference. 


1. Have an FHE lesson on pornography ASAP!

You have got to start talking about pornography in your home. It needs to be a fairly regular conversation. The Church recently released a series of lessons for use in family home evenings which you can read about and access HERE. Some of the lessons are specifically designed for nursery and primary age children. Be careful of the language you use when you talk about. Pornography addiction feeds off of secrecy and shame. If you use shaming language you will only force people away from you and deeper into pornography. 


2. Put Up Some Defensive Barriers

You should have a filter on every internet accessible device in your house including but not limited to computers, phones, and tablets. Parental controls should be enabled on your television, cable, satellite, netflix, hulu, and amazon. Make it a habit to check browser histories, search histories (on internet devices as well as television devices). Cleared browser histories are unacceptable and a huge red flag. It is vitally important that you don't think that just because you have those things set up, you are in the clear. There is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent pornography from entering your home. Accept that fact right here, right now. I didn't say these were preventive barriers. I called them defensive. Filters are only one line of defense. It helps prevent accidental exposure, or clues you in to current behavior. The best filter is an internal one. And that is much harder to install. 


3. Open the line of communication

I don't recommend you set out on a witch hunt. Forcing someone into repentance rarely works. What you can do is open the line of communication. Let your husband and your children know that you know how common of a problem it is and that if anyone is involved in it and would like help, you will be there for them. Play it cool. Don't let your anger, jealousy, or pride get in the way. You've got to come from a place of absolute humility. You can't force people to repent. You can only invite. The scriptures constantly describe the Savior as inviting people unto repentance with open arms. Don't stand in the way of that. Facilitate it. 


4. Demystify the repentance process

Sinners don't like to face consequences. I'm a sinner and I hate the consequences of my actions. When the sins get serious, so do the consequences. Children and teenagers involved in pornography are often terrified of the consequences. Will their parents still love them? Will they never be able to use a computer again? Will they get grounded until they are 18? Will the bishop yell at them? Take the mystery out of it. (By the way, please don't ground your kids for looking at pornography. That will only deepen their shame and give them even more reason to cover their tracks. Facilitating repentance means getting them the help they need. Talk to them. Figure out what kind of things will really help them stop). Husbands are afraid too. See, Satan builds up all these lies in their head about what will happen if anyone finds out. You can help by talking about the realities. Learn about church discipline. Demystify it. Church discipline is not about punishment. Teach about how bishops help guide people to Christ. When Satan has us in a deep trap, we need help to get out. Teach it. Live it. Testify. 


Discovering a spouse or child's involvement in pornography can be devastating, but it is not hopeless. You can be a tremendous force for good in the battle against pornography. It's time to step up and fight. 


More Resources:

WEBSITES

• www.overcomingpornography.org

This is the official LDS Church website dedicated to helping individuals and families utilize the Atonement to overcome the sweeping effects of pornography. Resources for individuals, families, and leaders.

• http://www.mormonchannel.org/family-conversations

Has a series of videos on how to talk to children and teens about sexuality and human intimacy from LDS therapists who specialize in the area.

• www.hopeandhealinglds.org

Offers resources for loved ones and female addicts. Offers an anonymous support forum for loved ones.

• www.salifeline.org

Provides hope, education, and resources related to pornography and sexual addiction recovery.

FILTERING OPTIONS

No filter is 100%. Internet filters can easily be bypassed by anyone, even if they are not tech savvy. Instructions to bypass any level of filtering is easily available online. Even without bypassing the filter, pornography can still come through. Filters are a great first-line defense. Every internet capable device should have filtering. A device-specific filter will provide filtering service regardless of the location or internet connection. A second level filter can be installed to protect all internet capable devices that enter your home (friends and visitors) and can provide a second level of defense.

• Individual Device Filtering = software installed on individual devices that filters all internet connected to that device no matter where they are.
• www.covenanteyes.com and Safe Eyes Mobile App
• www.netnanny.com
• www1.k9webprotection.com/
• DNS Filtering = filters your entire internet connection when installed on your router. Requires each individual device to honor the dns settings.  www.opendns.com
• Proxy Server Filtering = all internet in your home is filtered through a proxy server. http://dansguardian.org/
• ISP Level Filtering = internet filtering from your internet service provider. Most ISPs do not provide this service. You have to call your ISP to get this set up. Your ISP is the person you pay your internet bill to.

BOOKS

• He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton

Relying on the latest research on addiction, and merging this knowledge with spiritual aspects of repentance and recovery, the author provides understanding and hope to those who seek healing and restoration of both body and spirit, which are the "soul of man."

• Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction: A Resource for LDS Parents and Leaders

This manual contains reliable information about pornography and sexual addiction, including answers to frequently asked questions about what is necessary to support recovery for those addicted- and their afflicted loved ones. 

• What Can I do About Me? by Rhyll Croshaw

Written by the spouse of a pornography addict, the book shines light on the darkness of pornography and sexual addiction, the trauma felt by loved ones, and the hope that recovery and peace are possible.

• Love You, Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain

An LDS Clinical Psychologist shows couples how to identify and address vulnerabilities in their relationship. This book offers healing advice for spouses, provides help for the struggling partner to avoid relapse and focuses on how to make the marriage relationship stronger than it was before.

• Healing Through Christ 12-Step Manual for Loved Ones

http://www.healingthroughchrist.org/ has created a comprehensive 12-step book based on LDS principles for family members affected by a loved one’s addiciton. It is available for free on their website.

• Sitting in a Rowboat Throwing Marbles at A Battleship by Andrew Pippanne

Written by a pornography addict in complete recovery, this author shares his LDS perspective to help others understand and overcome their own pornography addiction. The book is available for download for free from his website: http://rowboatandmarbles.org/

SUPPORT GROUPS, COUNSELORS AND THERAPISTS, AND TREATMENT PROGRAMS

• LDS PASG Group (addictionrecovery.lds.org)

Offers both in-person and telephone 12 Step Meetings specific to Pornography Addiction for both addicts and loved ones. Local groups are for men only addicts and separate classes for loved ones (women only). Women addicts can access phone meetings

• Local Meetings:
• You can search by zipcode for meetings your area
• Phone Meetings for Women Addicts:
• Thursdays 8:00pm Mountain Time, call 1-855-537-4000 and use access code: 993-936-696
• SA - Sexaholics Anonymous (www.SA.org)

12-Step Group for both men and women who have a sexual addiction. Age 18+ only. Also offers phone groups, conferences, and workshops. Not for loved ones (see S-Anon for loved ones information).

• Search on their website for local meeting information.
• SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous (www.SAA-recovery.org)

12-Step Group for men and women who have a sexual addiction. Not for loved ones.

• Search online for local meeting information.
• S-Anon (www.SAnon.org)

The S-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of the relatives and friends of sexually addicted people who share their experience, strength and hope in order to solve their common problems. Our program of recovery is adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous and is based on the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions. It is free and non-denominational.

• Search online for local meeting information.
• Lifestar (www.lifestarnetwork.com)

Offers an intensive outpatient group therapy using a three phase treatment program for addicts, loved ones, and teens. San Diego office contact information: John J. Boyle (MA, MFT) & Rebecca Jorgensen (PhD) (714) 869-4682

• Addo Recovery (addorecovery.com)

Offers online counseling via video conferencing as well as group 12 step meetings with counselors specialized in pornography addiction and betrayal trauma. Offers a free 6 class program for loved ones of pornography addicts, as well as paid services for individual counseling for both addicts and loved ones, group counseling, and couples counseling.

• Addiction Hope and Recovery (addictionhopeandrecovery.com)

Offers paid online counseling via video conferencing for men, women, and teens from qualified addiction therapists.

• LDS Family Services

Provides short-term counseling. Contact your bishop or local office for more information.