Utah Mormons Need the Church Too!

I sat by myself in Relief Society for my first two Sundays in Utah. I didn't understand why people weren't more friendly and welcoming. After a month we finally cornered the Bishop at church to let him know we had moved into the ward. It still took another 2 weeks, and a few gentle reminders, before they read our names over the pulpit to welcome us to the congregation. 

Utah has not been welcoming to us. A handful of neighbors have introduced themselves, and then some proceeded to tell us about the families that lived in the houses surrounding us. Sure enough they pointed out which houses contained inactives or nonmembers. Some even went so far as to tell us the alleged reasons why the families were inactive. 

The Bishopric came to our home to get to know us. Before leaving they asked the traditional, "Is there anything we can do for you?" Instead of replying with the traditional (and expected), "no, we're great!" I was brave and told them that the ward hasn't been very welcoming and we were having a hard time getting to know people. The response I got could be summarized as, "That's just the way Utah is." 

It wasn't just a one time response. When there were only a handful of women at my first Relief Society activity, the Relief Society President explained that it was just the way Utah is. Several sisters supported her in the idea. They said that being surrounded by LDS people on a daily basis you just don't feel the same need to get together like you do outside of Utah. 

It didn't sit right with me. I pondered on it for several days. The New Testament and Doctrine and Covenants both describe Saints gathering together and the importance thereof. The modern design of the Church encourages Saints to gather together to uplift one another through service, lessons, and activities. So why is it that these Utah Saints don't feel the need to get together? Does the sheer number of Saints lead them to take Church programs for granted? 

I need Relief Society. It doesn't matter how many LDS or non-LDS people I associate with on a daily basis. I need a periodic gathering of my fellow sisters in the Gospel. I need a time and event set apart from my day-to-day life where I can go and be edified and uplifted by the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

I am sad for my Utah sisters who feel that they do not need these things in their life. I am sad for my Utah sisters who have lost the vision of Relief Society. I am sad for the members of my congregation who have been left ignored and unfriended like myself. I am sad for the people who have been driven away due to the lack of acceptance and welcoming from others. I am sad for my neighbors who are inactive or not members that carry a scarlet letter for it. 

This is not the Utah I want to live in.

It wasn't just this one ward either. We've been in other wards in Utah. Some more welcoming than others, but none who embrace the programs of the Church like they do outside of "The Mormon Belt." You know, the wards where you feel like you are a family. 

I revel in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love it, I crave it, and I cling to it. Jesus has said "if ye are not one ye are not mine." I believe in visiting teaching. The real kind where you love, lift, and serve women and do your best to take care of them as the Lord would. I believe in Relief Society, an organization that I can utilize to bolster my faith, strengthen my home and family, and provide service to others. I believe in a ward family where I anyone can go and feel love and accepted exactly as they are with no expectations of immediate perfection or exemplary faith. I believe in Gospel that creates unity among people where saints and sinners are one and the same. 

This is the Utah I want. This is the Church I want. 

Where do you even begin to make that kind of change? The only thing I can do is to be the change I wish to see and call on others to do the same. 

Do you feel outcast by your ward? Do you feel as though you don't fit in? Do you crave something more from the Church? 

Be the change. It will make a difference to someone. It would make a difference to me. 

When Going to Church Hurts

Maybe you are struggling with infertility and it hurts to see all those inevitable pregnant bellies and new babies. Maybe you have been the subject of gossip and don't want to show your face. Maybe you are struggling in your marriage (or separation, or divorce) and can't stand to hear another lesson on eternal marriage. Maybe you feel like an outcast and don't want to sit alone again. 

There are numerous reasons why it might hurt to go to church. You dread Sundays and lay in bed coming up with excuses to stay home. Sometimes you do stay at home. Other times you peel yourself out of bed, get ready, and trudge your way through church. Sometimes you have to leave during the meeting because it is just too much. 

I feel you, sister. I think it is much more common than anyone really knows. We keep it a secret after all. Heaven forbid someone finds out that it hurts to go to church and judge us. Because we all know it is possible. Some self-righteous saint might very well tell us we just need to pray more or some nonsense like that. 

Sometimes it hurts to go to church. I am hear to tell you that it is okay to feel that way. I hope that you don't always feel that way. I hope that you go through periods of your life where it doesn't hurt anymore. But for now, sometimes it just hurts.

I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers for this. I don't really have any solutions for you. Sometimes no matter what you do, how much you pray, and how many scriptures you read, it'll still hurt to go to church. 

What I want to talk about instead is ways that you can still find your own personal worship despite all the pain at church. 

Do we have to go to church? Nope. You don't have to do anything. But I'm guessing that if you are reading this then you have some sort of desire to go to church, despite the hurt. Sometimes we go to church for our children. Sometimes we go to save face. Sometimes we go because we have some sort of Sunday duty. There are a lot of reasons.

If you look at the real reasons why we should go to church, they might look a little different. 

First and most important, we go to church to partake of the sacrament. If the pain is truly too much to bear, at least go for that one. 

Second, we go to church to worship God. We sacrifice our time to go and sing praises and listen to gospel messages. This just so happens to involve squirming children, people kicking your pew, spilt cheerios, and judgmental looks. 

Third, we go to church to be obedient. The man upstairs asks us to do a lot of things, and sometimes they are hard. God wants us at church. 

It is really that simple. But that doesn't take away the hurt.

Here are some suggestions that might help you. I'd love to hear more suggestions in the comments. 

Find some time before church to spend in personal worship. This might be playing the piano or singing hymns. It might mean sitting in a quiet, peaceful place in silence. It might mean reading scriptures or other inspiring literature. It might mean taking a hot bath and meditating on spiritual things. Find something that is your own personal, selfish, indulgent worship time. Connect with God before you go to church. It might help you connect with him beyond the pain when you are actually at church. 

Tune it out. If you can't handle the speaker or the lesson, tune it out. Dive into the scriptures or conference talks, anything on your little gospel library app. Sure, the speaker or teacher may think you are totally rude, but who cares? Speakers and teachers are supposed to be facilitators of the Holy Ghost so they should just take it down a notch and not take it personally when someone isn't paying attention. Take some liberty and feel free to do what you need to do to feel the Holy Ghost. If you are being disruptive, that is one thing, but it's okay if you just let the spirit take you where you need to go. 

Find a safe person. It doesn't matter what their position is or what their relation is to you. Just find a person that is safe at church. Someone you can sit by. Someone who won't give dirty looks when you check facebook on your phone. Someone who won't make a scene if you burst into tears. Someone who will be discreet if you have to leave the room. I promise you that there is someone safe in your ward. If you need help, pray your guts out to find out who it is. There's something about having a safe person there that is liberating. It frees you up to find your worship beyond the hurt.

Focus on the sacrament. If it hurts to be at church, then there is something you need. It's the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Sing your heart out during the sacrament hymn. Blur your vision so you can imagine Jesus Christ in place of the young men passing you the trays of bread and water. Give the kids some candy right before hand if it will give you some momentary peace. Cling to those few sacred minutes and try and find God beyond the pain. Utilize the power of the sacrament to restore your soul and give you strength to make it through. 


Yes, sometimes it hurts to go to church. There is certainly nothing I can do to change that. What I do know is that God wants to reach you beyond your pain. He recognizes the sacrifices you make to worship Him, and He will bless you.

Hang in there sister.  


What are your secrets for surviving church when it hurts?